Stronger
by insaneantics21
Summary: Santana's strength is tested time after time until it finally shatters.


**Warning: **Descriptions of physical abuse, vague mentions of sexual abuse, minor character suicide

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Santana Lopez is eight years old the first time her strength is tested. She's a little girl with knobby knees and tangled black hair and she cries as her Papi walks out the door with his suitcases. He leaves her, her mother, and her two younger brothers to fend for themselves while he goes and lives with his new family. Santana vows right then and there that she will always protect her brothers and she will be strong for them. Isaias is seven, Alejandro is one. Santana takes them under her little wing and she cares for them so her Mami doesn't have to worry.

The second time Santana's strength is tested she's eleven, Isaias is ten, and Alejandro is four. Her Mami has brought home a man and says he's going to be their new Papi. Santana doesn't like him from day one. He quickly moves in to the house and mostly all he does when he comes home from his construction job is sit on the couch and order Santana to bring him things. She quickly learns to bring the beer open; depending on how many he's had already it could spell disaster if she forgets.

Things escalate when he comes home drunk. Santana watches from her bedroom doorway as the man mercilessly beats her mother. Again. Santana's had enough. She grabs her softball bat and takes one swing at him. The bat hits him square in the back. Unfortunately, Santana is still small. She's still a little girl and she learns that sometimes giving it your all won't do much. He stands up and shakes it off and his look is one of pure rage. Santana tries to swing again but he catches the bat and throws it across the room. Santana ends up with three broken ribs and she sits on the edge of her seat in class for weeks to avoid touching her back to the chair.

The police come and take the man away after that. Santana thinks things might get better but only a few weeks later he's back. He begs her Mami for forgiveness and swears he'll change. He does, for a while. He takes the family to church and he buys Santana dolls and other pretty things. He takes her brothers out to baseball games. It lasts for a month. He comes home drunk and Santana's bruises last for weeks. She's strong for her brothers though. He never seems to show interest in them. Not that Santana can see. Santana holds her head up high and doesn't let her confidence break. If she can make it through and show her brothers that she's strong then she'll be alright.

The man doesn't come home one night. Santana finds out on the news he's in jail again for killing someone and this time he won't get out. Her Mami sad because it means she won't have much money anymore but Santana assures her that everything will be okay. She sells her dolls and her pretty things to buy school supplies for her and her brothers. Isaias smiles a little for the first time in a long time.

Santana is fourteen when she thinks her life might actually get better. Her Mami has a new job and a little more money. Isias is thirteen, Alejandro is six. It's the summer before her freshman year and she's made the Cheerios and made friends with Quinn Fabray and Brittany. She didn't have many friends before, she always had to look after her brothers. She figures now, though, that they'll be alright while she goes out for just a little while. There's no one there to hurt them.

It's July sixteenth. Santana comes home from hanging out at Quinn's house and finds that her own house is almost silent. There's a note on the kitchen table that her Mami took Alejandro out to buy new shoes. Santana shrugs and grabs a water bottle from the refrigerator. She hears loud music coming from her brothers' room and growls. She bangs on the door a few times and yells for Isaias to turn it down. Usually he yells back. Today he doesn't. Santana opens the door and the room is empty. She furrows her eyebrows and looks to her left, the closet door is wide open and what she sees will forever be burned into her memory.

Santana's strength is tested again as she stands with her Mami and Alejandro as she watches her brother's white coffin lowered into the ground. She holds her mother up as she grieves for her son. His letter was addressed to Santana and she reads it one time and one time only. She finds out why the man never laid a violent hand on Isaias. His hand was there, yes, but it wasn't violent in the way that left visible bruises. The bruises and scars that plagued Isaias to the point that he ended his life were worse. Santana hates herself for not protecting her brother like she'd promised.

She starts her freshman year and everyone whispers about her. Quinn puts a stop to it right away. Santana doesn't really care. She loses her virginity at a party to some unnamed guy and she doesn't regret it. She never says no because she is sure that sex will fill the void. It will fulfill the need she has to be loved because everyone that's ever loved her has left her or disappointed her. Her father left. Her mother never seemed remorseful for what happened to her. Her brother committed suicide. Alejandro was all she had.

Alejandro. He was lucky. He didn't remember much of anything when the man was living with them. In Isaias' letter he says that the man never touched Alejandro because Isaias would beg him not to. He'd take it for his little brother, to protect him. Santana still hates herself.

Brittany is the closest thing to filling the void that she can find. The blonde girl radiates love for everything. She holds Santana and kisses her softly. She doesn't fuck her; she's slow and gentle and it's passionate and as close to love as Santana can feel. But it's not enough. Santana never stays the night with Brittany or any of her other conquests. She sneaks out and runs back home. She refuses to let her little brother be alone.

Her mother loses her job when Santana is sixteen and Alejandro is eight. They're evicted from their house and forced to move into a two bedroom apartment. Santana doesn't mind having to share a bedroom with her brother. She hangs a sheet up in the middle to give herself a little privacy but it's not like she ever has anyone over. She doesn't let anyone in to her family life. No one knows about her past and she's determined that no one ever will.

That all changes with Quinn.

Santana watches as Quinn goes through getting pregnant, thrown out, lying, thrown out again, hating her life, moving in with Mercedes, reconciling with her mother, and then giving her baby girl up for adoption. She listens to Quinn complain about it sometimes and she just shakes her head and tells her she's lucky. Quinn doesn't seem to understand exactly why and she questions the Latina. Santana just shakes her head and mumbles again that Quinn is lucky.

After the baby debacle, she and Quinn get a little closer. Quinn has no one; Santana only really has Brittany but she has taken to hanging out with Kurt and Mercedes a lot. It leaves the former-captain and the now-captain to fend for themselves. Quinn invites her over to stay the night. Santana always leaves by midnight. She still won't leave her baby brother alone. Quinn pleads with her that she can sacrifice one night but Santana just growls at her and tells her she doesn't understand. Quinn begs her to let her understand. Santana can't.

The first time they kiss it's not at a party, it's not drunken, it's simple. Unlike everything else in Santana's life, it's simple. It's July sixteenth and Santana can't figure out why she even consented to leaving her house that day. She's sitting on Quinn's bed staring mindlessly at the TV screen. Quinn reaches over and touches her hand and she's pulled out of her trance. The blonde gently cups her face and leans in to kiss her. It's soft and quick and Quinn gives a shy smile as she pulls away. There's something that flickers in Santana's chest after it happens that makes her want to smile.

Santana gets a job to help support her small family. It cuts into her time with Quinn and she begs the blonde to try and understand where she's coming from, that she needs to help her family. Quinn just sighs. School starts again and Santana barely has time for her girlfriend with school, Cheerios, and her job. Quinn gets frustrated and fed up and Santana begs her not to break up her.

They're in Quinn's room; Santana has a rare afternoon off. Quinn tells her she wants to spend time with her and something's going to have to give if they want to stay together. Santana begs Quinn not to leave her. She's on her knees crying by the end of the argument and Quinn is stunned because she's never seen Santana like this because Santana's never let anyone see her like this. She's never let anyone see her as anything less than strong, independent, and resilient. She begs Quinn not to be another person she loves that leaves her and that's the first time Santana's strength cracks.

The next weekend Santana has off she spends all day Saturday with Quinn. The blonde is uncharacteristically quiet but Santana accepts it. After they make love (it's not fucking with Quinn, either; it's love and Santana knows it) Santana quietly pulls herself from Quinn's grip to sneak home. The blonde holds her a little tighter and Santana struggles. Quinn tells her she's not going anywhere and that she's staying the night. Santana tries to claw her way out of Quinn's grip and it almost turns into a fight. She struggles and manages to pull Quinn off of the bed but the blonde's arms won't budge. Santana's on her knees on the floor with Quinn behind her and Santana's begging her to let go.

Quinn asks her over and over again why. Santana struggles and Quinn turns her around and grips onto her shoulders and Santana's seventeen year old mind shuts off. She's again eleven years old and the man has a grip on her shoulders with rage in his eyes and she knows what's coming. She screams and cries and tries to back away. Her back hits something solid and she shuts her eyes tight. When she opens them, Quinn is looking at her absolutely petrified. Santana starts breathing again and Quinn asks her who hurt her. Quinn has tears cascading down her cheeks as she asks repeatedly why Santana was crying out that she didn't want to be hurt anymore. All Santana tells her girlfriend is that she's been hurt and she doesn't want that again. Quinn asks to know the rest, Santana doesn't comply. She does manage to sneak out around three in the morning.

It's on what would have been Isaias' sixteenth birthday that Santana's strength breaks completely under her girlfriend. Santana goes to the cemetery and sits at her brother's headstone for hours. She shuts her phone off and just stares at the rock with his name on it. She apologizes like she does every year that she didn't protect him. She's there until the sun is almost all the way down and she feels a soft hand on her shoulder.

Quinn takes her back to her house and wraps Santana in her arms and begs her again to just tell her. Quinn's eyes are red rimmed and pleading and Santana knows the blonde wants to know and wants to help her. She buries her face into Quinn's chest and cries. Quinn clings onto her and tells her it'll all be okay. She rocks her until there are no more tears. Santana can barely get the words out as she starts at the beginning. Her strength shatters.

Santana wakes up when the sun starts peeking through Quinn's bedroom window. Her throat is raw and her fingers hurt from gripping onto the blonde so tightly. She vaguely remembers words that were whispered to her as she fell asleep. Words Quinn said over and over. Words she thought she'd never hear. Words like: "it wasn't your fault" and "you're the strongest person I know".

It will take years but eventually, Santana will believe them. She'll believe them and she'll teach her own children that being strong is important, yes, but no one can be strong all the time. That sometimes, there's someone there that will break down those walls and if they do then they're the ones you want to keep around. She'll tell her children that and Quinn will smile and kiss her and Santana will know that with Quinn beside her, with someone there to help her carry the weight, that she is stronger than ever.


End file.
